I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
She announced her abortion via fbk
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
