Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Come on in and take your pants off
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