so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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