If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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