I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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