what if every blade of grass was a penis?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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