My friends, they love my intelligence
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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