I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
