he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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