i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
