apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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