I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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