My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
