so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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