did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
