I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
