Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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