Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
