You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
