There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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