i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
