Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
