Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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