im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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