i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
