just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
