if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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