I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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