that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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