I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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