R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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