then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
