My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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