i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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