It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
