Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
