he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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