Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
