you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You pole danced in your parka.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
