News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
