Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Sorry my hands just texted you
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
