Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
