Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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