woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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