I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
