so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
