btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
