i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just want to make out with him forever
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize