Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize