I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
