i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I will pee on everything he values.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
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