I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
