Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
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