Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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