she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
