I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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