it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
