Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
