God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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