Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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