Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
