Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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