I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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