my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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