You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
should my penis look like a turkey
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize