Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
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