it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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